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Recovery Series- Episode 4

A NEW HOPE 

3 months had passed. I had lived off caffeine, sugar and an auto mode.

When everything stopped moving, shaking and crumbling, there were miles and miles of devastation to be taken care of. Everywhere I looked, there was only rebuilding to be done. Rebuilding I had no energy to do. Rebuilding that I had to do alone.

The problem with rebuilding after major catastrophes is not knowing where to start. I decided to start with the smallest blocks.

The things that took me to a point where I finally got around to moving and fixing (story in episode 5)- were more elementary than one can imagine.

  • I started with food. Not as means to feed but to heal. I slowly started eating better. Remnants of the caffeine addiction are still there but I started by say, having breakfast again. Forcing myself to have it. Having dinner. Cutting down on sugar and junk food as much as I could. To finally clear up some space in my head to think about my physical well-being. Funny how that can become a chore- the human mind is a strange place. We take so much for granted. That instinct, to look after yourself, feed yourself, feed yourself well- that too, is a gift. It can shock you how much of a gift it is when it takes effort to rebuild it back.

I started by eating proper meals- even if it meant eating out- I wanted to get used to the idea of nourishing my body, as a conscious effort. It is still WIP. I do still have days where only fries and coke make it down my throat.

  • I turned to my family. Most of the people I thought were my friends had left me in the lurch anyway. Literally vanished. Fitting right into the cliché of “fair weather friends”. But I wasn’t exactly friend-less. Luckily I had some “friends of my own”, back in my hometown- where I had returned after six long years. But for some time, I decided to stick to family. To turn to bonds that never break. I needed that restoration of faith. I turned to my parents- I reworked on our relationships. I learnt all relationships can improve with effort, even the ones you assume require no effort.

I started by mending some broken links with my father, with my sister and brother. Me and mom didn’t need any mending. I did try to start thinking more about her than myself. That being the foundation of all relationship building- thinking less about yourself and more of the other, from the perspective of the other.

As I spent more time with my father, as a conscious effort again, heard him talk, our relationship slowly became stronger.

It slowly rebuilt my faith. My confidence. Started filling my heart with love and warmth again. Made me feel less alone, less abandoned, less betrayed. I realized not all had been lost. Infact, I might just have saved the most important things.

  • Most importantly and thankfully, I turned to God. I am not proud of admitting, somewhere along the years, I lost touch with the faith and fire in my own heart. I turned to prayer again. At a time when you control nothing, when nothing makes sense, prayer and faith is all one can turn to. From the smallest to the biggest things, I turned to “asking”. I turned to “hoping”. I turned to “believing”. The more I believed, the more I healed. The more I received.

I replaced heavy exercise with walks. I would recite prayers and meditate as I did that. It became my time to reconnect with my body and soul.

When people told me, everything happens for a reason, for a good one, I never believed them. I still don’t. I don’t fully understand it. But- somewhere during my prayers, I began to see light again. I began to believe that I am being taken on this path for a reason. That sometimes things make sense only in retrospect and you need to just stand by the faith that the path is taking you somewhere.

I would spend as much time with my mother as possible. She was my food, family and prayer, rolled into one.

As a dear friend recently put it “We should just watch the film life is showing us.”

So I started watching the film, without asking too many questions, and slowly started accepting that my part in the film, has changed.

14 Comments

  1. shizah

    June 22, 2018 at 10:01 am

    Your articles give me life!Keep writing and keep shining. Lots of love ❤

  2. Shizah

    June 22, 2018 at 12:23 pm

    Your articles give me life! Keep writing, inspiring and shining. Lots of love <3

    • Marya Javed

      June 24, 2018 at 7:19 am

      Thank you <3

  3. Maryam

    June 23, 2018 at 10:10 am

    what a read!
    great to know someone else is on the similar journey.
    so much love on your way,Marya💗💗

    • Marya Javed

      June 24, 2018 at 7:19 am

      <3 Love back!

  4. Maham

    June 25, 2018 at 7:35 pm

    This has suddenly made me feel better. It came like a warm hug on a cold, dark day. And somehow I suddenly feel validated. Thank you Marya!

  5. Misbah

    June 27, 2018 at 9:53 am

    What a great read. Btw where are the episode 1,2 and 3? Couldn’t find it on your website. 🙁

    • Marya Javed

      June 28, 2018 at 8:23 pm

      Thanks….I am not releasing them in a chronological order 🙂

  6. Shaherbano

    July 30, 2018 at 3:42 pm

    Hi Marya!
    Whatever you are up to is amazing. Congratulations on your short film ‘Inheritance.’
    I don’t know what this film is about in terms of depression but on knowing that people these days are much into this forum of exchanging what & how they feel when depressed couldn’t stop me to take a step ahead.
    Is it something else which is given a name of depression or in other words the word, ‘depression’ is being exploited by our blaming on it?? Now this is something u can’t know ever or imagine and every-time you can’t say a depressed person that either arre are you real depressed or do u have any idea what depression is blahblah instead of helping! So just like this confusion, depression is itself a very depressed word which could never explain itself to anyone. I being a doctor myself can’t tell what depression actually is but have generated my own world of depression and live in it. I would like to take you through my world. Depression is nothing but an amalgamation of what not! Something that disturbs me on daily basis, not what comes in for some time & goes out in no time. There’s a constant silent disturbance in my back of mind when it comes to this toxic word ( Bechara depression ko kia kia sunna prhta hai). Now what these disturbances are about should matter or probably shouldn’t is what that gives a confused meaning of depression but it has to be depression & it is!because I don’t know what depression is and no one has had ever told the real meaning of it but it is also not smth that one can ever tell, fathom or resolve. It could be smth that is disturbed at my family end which I constantly think, my relation with parents, my relation with siblings, it could be lack of support system or freedom of whatever I want to do but can’t, smth that I can’t talk about but want to because no one has ever given me space for it & when I really want sb close to me to listen to wht I am upto but can’t find one n have always been asked to do what my mind says not heart, can’t pursue my creativity side because I think that I won’t be supported for that ( y I think so that nobody will because can assume thru their body language, notions n a whole world of myths around them which won’t allow me & them to do respectively), whenever I’m being stopped in an argument by saying that I’m not grown up enough to argue n even though I’m right lol! Every time when I fail to express myself! Whenever I am misunderstood, whenever I am hurt…………………………………..
    All I can say is when I need a closed one to listen me but get hurt by the same is for me depression!
    I wanted to share this with you!

    Regards,
    Shaherbano

    • Marya Javed

      August 3, 2018 at 8:53 pm

      Thank you for writing in. If you suffer from depression, please go see a therapist. Tried and tested! Always works. Don’t let it go unattended. And yes, unfortunately in our society, we are not treated as adults- ever. But don’t lose your optimism and keep fighting. Love, Marya

  7. Shaherbano

    July 30, 2018 at 3:44 pm

    My story title is, ‘My paying guest, my depression’

  8. shajeeah

    August 24, 2018 at 5:06 pm

    are all these episodes connected or i can read them in any order?cant seem to find episode 1,2,3

  9. Maddie

    December 12, 2018 at 5:41 am

    So beautifully written! You have a gift with words and emotions:) Love your website!

  10. LAHBPK

    September 22, 2020 at 2:47 am

    I never read anything apart from newspapers in the morning but what you have written in your articles glues the eyes to read more.Not many ppl can express how beautifully u have expressed in words.life is an experience good or bad we learn from them and try making the future better.Surely in the remembrance of our Lord do heart find rest.A person which such multitalented and having experience of 6 industries should not stay out long in the balcony of tall buildings.

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