A NEW HOPE
3 months had passed. I had lived off caffeine, sugar and an auto mode.
When everything stopped moving, shaking and crumbling, there were miles and miles of devastation to be taken care of. Everywhere I looked, there was only rebuilding to be done. Rebuilding I had no energy to do. Rebuilding that I had to do alone.
The problem with rebuilding after major catastrophes is not knowing where to start. I decided to start with the smallest blocks.
The things that took me to a point where I finally got around to moving and fixing (story in episode 5)- were more elementary than one can imagine.
- I started with food. Not as means to feed but to heal. I slowly started eating better. Remnants of the caffeine addiction are still there but I started by say, having breakfast again. Forcing myself to have it. Having dinner. Cutting down on sugar and junk food as much as I could. To finally clear up some space in my head to think about my physical well-being. Funny how that can become a chore- the human mind is a strange place. We take so much for granted. That instinct, to look after yourself, feed yourself, feed yourself well- that too, is a gift. It can shock you how much of a gift it is when it takes effort to rebuild it back.
- I turned to my family. Most of the people I thought were my friends had left me in the lurch anyway. Literally vanished. Fitting right into the cliché of “fair weather friends”. But I wasn’t exactly friend-less. Luckily I had some “friends of my own”, back in my hometown- where I had returned after six long years. But for some time, I decided to stick to family. To turn to bonds that never break. I needed that restoration of faith. I turned to my parents- I reworked on our relationships. I learnt all relationships can improve with effort, even the ones you assume require no effort.
I started by mending some broken links with my father, with my sister and brother. Me and mom didn’t need any mending. I did try to start thinking more about her than myself. That being the foundation of all relationship building- thinking less about yourself and more of the other, from the perspective of the other.
It slowly rebuilt my faith. My confidence. Started filling my heart with love and warmth again. Made me feel less alone, less abandoned, less betrayed. I realized not all had been lost. Infact, I might just have saved the most important things.
- Most importantly and thankfully, I turned to God. I am not proud of admitting, somewhere along the years, I lost touch with the faith and fire in my own heart. I turned to prayer again. At a time when you control nothing, when nothing makes sense, prayer and faith is all one can turn to. From the smallest to the biggest things, I turned to “asking”. I turned to “hoping”. I turned to “believing”. The more I believed, the more I healed. The more I received.
When people told me, everything happens for a reason, for a good one, I never believed them. I still don’t. I don’t fully understand it. But- somewhere during my prayers, I began to see light again. I began to believe that I am being taken on this path for a reason. That sometimes things make sense only in retrospect and you need to just stand by the faith that the path is taking you somewhere.
As a dear friend recently put it “We should just watch the film life is showing us.”
So I started watching the film, without asking too many questions, and slowly started accepting that my part in the film, has changed.