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Dating in Pakistan

I have seldom had so much fun compiling an article- if ever. For two reasons, one, because this is based more on information collected from other people than what I think- also because in the end I am about to shove my opinion down your throat. Buhaha…

Jokes aside,

But why? Why jokes aside…

Jokes included, this is a very important debate and topic. No, dating and your opinion of it isn’t just a scandalous casual topic. I am just about to show you why.

Oh and by the way- if you are from outside Pakistan and Asia- do not read. This will not make sense. I shall explain to you separately why we are talking about this and why it still qualifies as an important debate this side of the world. Oh Mexicans may read too.

Anyhoo. Let’s start.

 

I will tell you why I think this conversation is important- it’s important because “everyone”’ I know has dated someone at some point. Including some who clicked “NO” on ‘will you allow your children to date openly’? I suppose the assumption is if you close your eyes, the problem disappears. Or that by recognizing an issue, you encourage it? Or that your refusal to accept it acts as a deterrent?

Let me start by quoting one anecdote. Sent in by someone who requested anonymity (everyone else, was like, please post under our name- such gutsy type peepulz).

“I am 24, I am going out with a guy who was with me in college. I have very strict parents. He does not have a car and we don’t have a place where we can meet, except restaurants. Sometimes just for better privacy I have considered checking into a hotel. Once we were caught making out in a park by the police. He had to spend the entire night in a police station and we had nobody to call because what would we say. They could’ve taken him somewhere and I wouldn’t say a word. They could’ve done something to me and I couldn’t say a word. I took a cab alone at 2 am- they didn’t let me go before that- and lied to my parents saying a friend is dropping me. I have never been more scared in my life…”

That could be your daughter. It could be your son. Really, you would rather not know? Oh no, you are saying, you would rather know but not let your children date openly. Like they should not feel comfortable talking to you about it but tell you too. Hmm. I see.

Back in 2014, I was teaching at LGS, an O levels class, average age 13 years. I was teaching them Debating and when I asked them to pick a topic they felt deeply about, most girls in the class picked abortion. Once the debate started, I realized these girls knew way more about abortion than I did/do. One of them came to me later to tell me how she induced her own abortion at home. I have met her parents at a parent teacher meeting, average conservative Pakistani family. Very well brought up child, in terms of academics and behavior. Yea.

This conversation is important because in a society where something as basic as a relationship between people of the opposite gender without being married is not recognized, we create a very dangerous, exploitative and unhealthy environment for everyone involved. I see one issue here is how do you define dating? Holding hands? Texting? Sex? One partner? Multiple? In our cultural context, let’s just say a romantic relationship between two adults, leading or not leading to marriage.

The marriage argument, the idea that two people who are attracted to each other should JUST GET MARRIED immediately does not always apply because:

  • The average age for marriage has gone up, people want to study and get their feet on the ground before they get married because the financial pressures of marriage have changed. So say a girl who gets married at 32, should stay single until then?
  • A divorced woman, who is twice shy of marriage, should obviously stay single until she gets married again because?
  • A widow. Who does not want to re-marry, yet. But wants a person around, for companionship?
  • A man who is yet not financially stable for marriage but is in love or feels the need to have a companion should?

Note: Please resist the temptation to bring religion into this. Or do but after you tell me you are willing to marry your daughters and sons at 13-14 years of age.  

So I mean, there are all these societal changes that have taken place around us. Yet, we choose to look the other way, in return adding to the problems and issues we face as a society.

SURVEY RESULTS (The most exciting bit!)

From a group of 300 respondents, 94% female, 90% between the age of 20-35 years

  • 84% think it is natural and normal for people to date
  • 80% think that if we allow our children (above 18 )to date freely, we will be creating a healthier and safer environment for them
  • 71% think that if we did allow people to date freely, many would marry later than they do
  • 86% think that many adults want/choose to move out of their parents’ homes just to be able to enjoy basic freedoms
  • 81% said they would let their children (above a certain age) to date freely
  • Out of the 19% who are opposed to the idea of allowing their children to date, 86% “would like to know” if their children are in fact dating (I have no idea how this works but ok…)
  • 95% feel sex education is important for children. Many saying earlier than 15 years of age.

These are all very important and thought provoking statistics. So much can be said about them. Including the idea that many marry not because they want to be “married”, because it is the only way to be with someone. Such decisions could be made out of an urgency of emotional and physical needs- not really taking into account long term compatibility.

Similarly, SEX. What is it with our nation and that word? It is like saying FOOD. But sex, no. God forbid. But wait, God talks about it too. Also for a country with one of the highest population growth rates, are we pretending nobody is having sex?

Moooving on….

I understand that a huge majority voted in favour of sex education- but I actually have a problem with the 5% who did not. I have a problem because I know of what the lack of sex education does to people.

Last week a story came in about a woman who just got divorced after two years of being in a sexless marriage. I will be posting it soon but here’s an excerpt:

“I got married at 24, as a virgin. Brought up in a conservatively religious household, not only did we never talk about sex, I associated a lot of guilt and shame with it…Sex was wrong. It was dirty.

When I did have sex, it was painful for me physically. Not just the first time, but the second and the third and many times after. I was shy of communicating that openly, but it became obvious pretty quickly, despite my efforts to hide it. This went on for 6 months, with me in excruciating physical pain, only waiting for it to end… I had no one to talk to…”

This girl ended up getting a divorce ONLY because she had no idea how to communicate her own needs, wants, issues. Her husband didn’t know how to help her. Nobody had ever told her anything about her sexuality and she had associated too much guilt with self-exploration/learning. Her husband assumed se should come as naturally to her, as it does to him.

I don’t know what else to say. I guess I rest my case.

COMMENTS

UAE based makeup artist, Zohra Illyas:

“I dated my husband for 3 years before we got married and knew him even longer before. We’ve been married for 6 years now but together for almost 10 years now. I am very confident in our relationship and we give each other immense space which sadly I have noticed is often not the case in arranged marriages or when married hastily. Sure I know lots of people who are happy in arranged marriages too but somehow their relationship seems less comfortable. It is not a generalization, just my observation based on my experience.”

Anam Mansuri, founder LIMU Studios and Womanistan,

“Dating in Pakistan has been strange. It isn’t easy dating after 30 anywhere but in Pakistan it’s extra weird. It’s a lonely place and as a result there’s way too much compromise and lowering of standards. At one point I was scared because I thought I’d rather be with someone who doesn’t completely understand me and get married rather than be all alone, and that “settling” is the biggest mistake one can make.”

 

Marya Javed, tez chalaak larki,

“ Yar aapkay conservative khialat ka faida sirf coffee shops ko horaha hai…”

 SOME FACTS TO PONDER OVER

Despite Netherlands being one of the most tolerant countries towards cannibus use, it has the lowest number of users of marijuana/ cannabis in Europe. Because the government started providing clean needles to heroine addicts, both heroine use and crime has dropped in the country. There are entire case studies based on how Netherlands has achieved a fall in teenage pregnancies and a delayed first sexual encounter, through improved sex education for children and making contraception easily available.

Providing lean needles to drug addicts instead of arresting them? Legalizing prostitution to safeguard women? I understand these are complicated constructs to wrap your head around, but as Manto Sahib once argued, Zia increased and perpetrated prostitution in Pakistan, by banning the red light area. Same way, alcohol use in the country went up after we banned it.  

(An article on BBC.COM titled  “Pakistan battles growing alcohol addiction” and one in the New York Times, titled “Pakistan has an alcohol problem”, are both up on the website.)

Point is guys, social changes are a little more complicated and require tools a little more complicated than “bans”.

I mean say no all you want.

The problem is, it just doesn’t work.

THE SOLUTION THEN IS?

I don’t know what the solution is. I do know what it’s not.

A good place to start is to accept things for what they are; including the changing social and cultural framework. To be aware of your own shortcomings. To be ready and willing to change. And not be rigid, before your bones make you such.

Out of all the comments that came in, this one is my favorite because it is so honest and self-reflective:

Maria, Phd Professor in Rawalpindi”

“I have debated this topic a lot in informal gatherings. For me, religion is the basic core which makes it all unacceptable. I will be honest.  I used to be a judgmental little bastard until I started working. At work, I met people from diff ethnicities, religious and cultural backgrounds and my whole worldview started shattering. I mean I grew up with the belief that good Muslims pray and refrain from bad things. But where should I place people who are not Muslims or practicing Muslims, but are very good human beings?

I will confess I still haven’t reached a point where I can stop judging people, especially those who go out and date and have gfs/bfs. But I must say that I have started to see where I am wrong and this has made all the difference. Things are not black and white anymore. I have learned to see the grey areas as well. 

Is it bad that I blame my parents for raising me in a very conservative way? I respect my traditions, but I also know now that my worldview can’t be the only right one.”

My own personal experience has been that most of my own sex education and an open debate about relationships and dating has happened with my friend Iman, 6 years younger to me.  She is way more aware, comfortable and knows a lot more than me because a lot of it was part of her curriculum in school. Also because she can discuss it with her mother or grandmother if she so wants. Me on the other hand have only picked cues from films, books and short uncomfortable conversations with friends who are willing to share only that much. Things which misled me, left me in moral dilemmas and more questions than answers.

The reason for having this conversation, is to remind ourselves that “this conversation” is important.

9 Comments

  1. Michelle Shahid

    June 29, 2018 at 10:58 am

    Thank you for talking about this, Marya! While the majority is disapproving of dating (hello, moral thullas!), we all know it’s happening and sanctioning it is only causing more harm than good. We can either choose to name and shame or we can be more accepting of it and know that firstly, it is a personal choice and secondly, these are natural instincts. It is okay to want love and it is okay to want sex. This rigidity towards dating and sexual needs is deep rooted in societal norms, cultural values, morality and religious beliefs and those who do not conform either start questioning their decisions (whether they’re actually delinquent) or find escape routes (hence, the need to move abroad at the earliest or marry as a means to satisfy these very basic needs). Either ways, it’s an ordeal.

  2. Izza

    June 29, 2018 at 11:13 am

    The 86% of the 19% who dont want their kids to date want to know when they do so they can give them a good chitrol and then ‘arrange’ something for them

    • Marya Javed

      July 5, 2018 at 8:42 am

      Haha- but kids do not take either their parents permission or approval before dating… esp if they know they won’t approve :p

  3. Hira

    July 5, 2018 at 9:36 am

    very well written !!!
    it is frustrating to see that some people are just not ready to accept or even realize that how important it is to have such conversations…how can one expect better outcomes when you are not going to educate them or understand their views or mindsets…
    a lot can be done by staying in your cultural boundaries.it is a human behavior to like or dislike someone , i don’t understand why is it considered such a big crime when you want to talk about dating or relationships.
    i have seen elders getting insecure over the conversations between men & women even after engagements
    they want the so called “khushkhabri news” the very next day when the bride and groom comes out of the room but still not comfortable enough to give them their privacy.
    Anyways to the people who are in denial that such thing doesn’t exists
    WELL FYI IT DOES OPEN UP YOUR IGNORANT EYES LIL BIT MORE !!!

  4. Sumbul Natalia

    July 5, 2018 at 12:28 pm

    I dated my husband for two years before i got engaged to him. Then 2 years of engagement and now we are almost 2 years down our marriage. I know him for 6 years now and I am turning 25 this year. Which means I was 19 years old when i started dating him. Also, he was not the first person I dated. I was in a 4-year relationship with another guy before that. Which basically comes down to the fact that I was around 15 – 16 when i started dating. This dating thingy was not uncommon then and is no way uncommon now.
    My parents, both are working, were average middle class not-so-conservative but not-even-that-open-minded kind of people. OR SO I THOUGHT. Because your teenage years are that time when rebellion is a cool thing, when ‘I am not really in good terms with my mom is also the IT thing to say to your friends. It is that time of one’s life when you think friends are everything and you dont really talk to your parents about yourself and your issues. (parents also need to understand this fact about teenage kids) So like every other kid at that time I never told or talked to my mother about my then boyfriend because i thought what is the use? I assumed they are conservative and would punish me and all that stuff. So i used to lie to them to go meet him, hang out with him or keep a hidden phone to talk (all of which i regretted later) I would read up books and articles about sex, anything i could find etc because oh how much i wanted to know about that topic and how much i wanted to see how ral it was. But when I grew up, i entered my twenties and i started developing a bond with my mom, i realised it would have been so amazing if i had talked to her in all those years. She wasnt that of a scary person. And my life would have been so much easier and less of a regret if i had just had someone to confide into, without fearing the Haw-hayes and punishments and groundings.
    My point here being that YES dating is as common as having normal friends in our society now. And it would be just so nice if the parents of teenage kids would JUST give them the confidence that they can talk about it yo them and not be a hitler to them. Things would be so easier and it would be such a big step in eradicating all the the depression in kids these days. Talk to them, tell them its okay, tell them they are there, know their girlfriend/boyfriend, give them that confidence.
    Marya, you have done an amazing job compiling this article. I loved reading it. I got to know a lot more about the topic then i thought i did. Great job!

    • Marya Javed

      July 12, 2018 at 11:14 am

      Thank you SOOOOO MUCH Sumbul, for reading, sharing your story and feedback. Thank you <3

  5. Zainab Ishaq

    July 6, 2018 at 2:40 am

    It’s high time desi parents burst the
    moral bubble of delusion they live in. They need to accept and acknowledge that their kids are afterall human. They have needs. And they are going to do something about them. When our parents were growing up people hardly ever talked about sex. Nowadays, it’s everywhere. It’s in the movies that we watch and the music that we listen to. It’s staring us right in the face. Even if we choose to close our eyes, it’s not going to disappear. So instead of avoiding to talk about it, I think parents need to make peace with it. If I ever decide to have kids, I would want them to be safe. I would want them to have the confidence to come to me with all their secrets and confusions, mistakes and dilemmas instead of going out into the world feeling alone and misunderstood.

    • Marya Javed

      July 12, 2018 at 11:09 am

      YASSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Jennet Courtney

    November 5, 2018 at 1:22 am

    I WAS GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE DUE TO MY HUSBAND’S INFIDELITY AND MATRIMONIAL ABUSE. I NEEDED EVIDENCE TO BE ABLE TO WIN CUSTODY OVER MY CHILD, I TRIED MANY HACKERS WHO FAILED ME TILL I WAS ABLE TO FIND A REAL PROFESSIONAL WHO HELPED ME GET ACCESS TO MY HUSBANDS PHONE REMOTELY WITHOUT HAVING ACCESS TO IT.HE DOES HACKING STUFFS LIKE SPYING AND HACKING PHONES, COMPUTER, EMAIL, FACEBOOK, WHATSAPP AND OTHER SOCIAL NETWORK ACCOUNTS, CANCEL PHONE TAPPING, CHANGE YOUR GRADES OR BOOST YOUR CREDIT SCORE.YOU CAN CONTACT VIA( hackingloop6 @ g m a i l.c o m),IF YOU ARE HAVING THE SAME ISSUE, BETTER TO BE SINGLE THAN TO LIVE WITH A MONSTER.

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