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Recovery Series- Episode 3

REVENGE OF THE SITH

or THE HAZE:

I remember the first time I walked into my bedroom, 5 years later.

There was a sofa cum bed in one corner, and a proper bed in the other. I went and lay down on the sofa cum bed on the floor; somehow that small nook of the room, that mattress on the floor, seemed like a safer place to be than the bed in the middle.

I am sure that makes little sense, but that’s the thing about an aching heart and a broken mind, making sense- is the hardest thing to do.

I had done all the brave things- alone- I had stated my issue, I had stood up for myself, I had refused to cave in. Not this time. I quit my job (or had no other option but to quit), packed my stuff, left the city I called my own and ended up where I started- 5 years back. But did I?

With piles of unpacking to do and absolutely no idea if this was going to be a temporary transit period or a permanent shift, I lay there. Every night. Trying to make sense of what had just happened, in the last 2 months. How had it all happened so quickly? Why was I so alone? Where were the people I called friends? Was it all a bad dream?

It sure did feel like a bad dream. Nothing felt real. Starting from the sights and sounds- it all came from a distance. Or it seemed like I stood still while the world walked past. I literally just stood there- breathing. It is all I could do.

I couldn’t eat. When my blood pressure dropped to scary lows, I would have a coke or a coffee. My mother tried her best to make me eat, but it would offend me every time she insisted. It would offend me because how could she not see? I could not. Eat.

I couldn’t sleep either. Every day for a month- I woke up in the middle of the night, panicking, not knowing where I was. I would sit up in bed and stare at my surrounding, for what seemed like forever, with no idea where I was. I have seldom felt so helpless or scared in my life. I remember this being the biggest factor I turned to prayer later- I just wanted it to stop. I wanted one night of peaceful sleep. Everything that I once took for granted, seemed like a gift that had been taken away from me.

Was I being punished?

It sure felt like it.

But why was I being punished? I knew I did right by myself and by others. I knew my intention. I knew my reasons- though yes, during this phase, I questioned everything.

Nobody called or messaged. None of my friends- sorry- correction- my then husband’s friends, who I had taken to be my own.

But I get it, their explanation was “she asked for it…” But Did I? Or maybe that they had to pick a side. 

But did they?

My “own friends” had all left town by now. I had come back. Like a ghost. To a city of ghosts.

I only had my family- it is this phase that taught me how blood is thicker than water- always. But even when I sat with them, I did not feel like talking. I would go downstairs for an hour, just to show my face and then crawl back on my sofa cum bed.

Will I ever be able to sleep peaceful again? Will I ever be able to eat again? Will I ever be able to talk again? Feel again? Think again?

Will it all make sense someday?

These questions made a haze around me. I saw this new world through that haze. Nothing seemed real anymore. Not me, not the world on the other side of the haze.

 

 

11 Comments

  1. Michelle

    August 11, 2018 at 4:08 pm

    Maria, you’re a brave soul. Lots of love and prayers for you!

    • Marya Javed

      August 12, 2018 at 5:57 am

      Thank you! Love and Prayers back…

  2. Mubashraa

    August 11, 2018 at 7:40 pm

    Please link all the parts of this series i cant seem to find them all, found 2more! 🙈

    • Marya Javed

      August 12, 2018 at 5:56 am

      Hey, one is called “Where Do I start” , the other is called “3 Habits that saved my life…”

  3. Nayab

    August 11, 2018 at 9:04 pm

    I get it! I do! ❤️

    • Marya Javed

      August 12, 2018 at 6:54 am

      <3

  4. Zarghuna

    August 12, 2018 at 11:09 am

    You are a brave woman Marya. My grandmother always told me one thing and today I want to say it out loud to you, People who have daughters like you do not need sons. Your fight was real your suffering was and I have full faith that great things only are lined ahead for you. Smile because it was not is.

    • Marya Javed

      August 13, 2018 at 6:18 am

      Awww thank you! No, nobody needs “sons”- or daughters- just if they children, they should try and raise them to be honest and brave…

  5. Afifa

    August 12, 2018 at 4:18 pm

    Just can’t stop myself relating to that!
    Marya, more and more power to you!

    • Marya Javed

      August 13, 2018 at 6:15 am

      <3

  6. Ayesha Nazar

    September 18, 2018 at 11:15 am

    I thank ALLAH for the moment when i came across your profile. You are truly gifted my love 💕 More power and light your way.

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