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Recovery Series- Episode 3



I remember the first time I walked into my bedroom, 5 years later.

There was a sofa cum bed in one corner, and a proper bed in the other. I went and lay down on the sofa cum bed on the floor; somehow that small nook of the room, that mattress on the floor, seemed like a safer place to be than the bed in the middle.

I am sure that makes little sense, but that’s the thing about an aching heart and a broken mind, making sense- is the hardest thing to do.

I had done all the brave things- alone- I had stated my issue, I had stood up for myself, I had refused to cave in. Not this time. I quit my job (or had no other option but to quit), packed my stuff, left the city I called my own and ended up where I started- 5 years back. But did I?

With piles of unpacking to do and absolutely no idea if this was going to be a temporary transit period or a permanent shift, I lay there. Every night. Trying to make sense of what had just happened, in the last 2 months. How had it all happened so quickly? Why was I so alone? Where were the people I called friends? Was it all a bad dream?

It sure did feel like a bad dream. Nothing felt real. Starting from the sights and sounds- it all came from a distance. Or it seemed like I stood still while the world walked past. I literally just stood there- breathing. It is all I could do.

I couldn’t eat. When my blood pressure dropped to scary lows, I would have a coke or a coffee. My mother tried her best to make me eat, but it would offend me every time she insisted. It would offend me because how could she not see? I could not. Eat.

I couldn’t sleep either. Every day for a month- I woke up in the middle of the night, panicking, not knowing where I was. I would sit up in bed and stare at my surrounding, for what seemed like forever, with no idea where I was. I have seldom felt so helpless or scared in my life. I remember this being the biggest factor I turned to prayer later- I just wanted it to stop. I wanted one night of peaceful sleep. Everything that I once took for granted, seemed like a gift that had been taken away from me.

Was I being punished?

It sure felt like it.

But why was I being punished? I knew I did right by myself and by others. I knew my intention. I knew my reasons- though yes, during this phase, I questioned everything.

Nobody called or messaged. None of my friends- sorry- correction- my then husband’s friends, who I had taken to be my own.

But I get it, their explanation was “she asked for it…” But Did I? Or maybe that they had to pick a side. 

But did they?

My “own friends” had all left town by now. I had come back. Like a ghost. To a city of ghosts.

I only had my family- it is this phase that taught me how blood is thicker than water- always. But even when I sat with them, I did not feel like talking. I would go downstairs for an hour, just to show my face and then crawl back on my sofa cum bed.

Will I ever be able to sleep peaceful again? Will I ever be able to eat again? Will I ever be able to talk again? Feel again? Think again?

Will it all make sense someday?

These questions made a haze around me. I saw this new world through that haze. Nothing seemed real anymore. Not me, not the world on the other side of the haze.




  1. Michelle

    August 11, 2018 at 4:08 pm

    Maria, you’re a brave soul. Lots of love and prayers for you!

    • Marya Javed

      August 12, 2018 at 5:57 am

      Thank you! Love and Prayers back…

  2. Mubashraa

    August 11, 2018 at 7:40 pm

    Please link all the parts of this series i cant seem to find them all, found 2more! 🙈

    • Marya Javed

      August 12, 2018 at 5:56 am

      Hey, one is called “Where Do I start” , the other is called “3 Habits that saved my life…”

  3. Nayab

    August 11, 2018 at 9:04 pm

    I get it! I do! ❤️

    • Marya Javed

      August 12, 2018 at 6:54 am


  4. Zarghuna

    August 12, 2018 at 11:09 am

    You are a brave woman Marya. My grandmother always told me one thing and today I want to say it out loud to you, People who have daughters like you do not need sons. Your fight was real your suffering was and I have full faith that great things only are lined ahead for you. Smile because it was not is.

    • Marya Javed

      August 13, 2018 at 6:18 am

      Awww thank you! No, nobody needs “sons”- or daughters- just if they children, they should try and raise them to be honest and brave…

  5. Afifa

    August 12, 2018 at 4:18 pm

    Just can’t stop myself relating to that!
    Marya, more and more power to you!

    • Marya Javed

      August 13, 2018 at 6:15 am


  6. Ayesha Nazar

    September 18, 2018 at 11:15 am

    I thank ALLAH for the moment when i came across your profile. You are truly gifted my love 💕 More power and light your way.

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