“In cold winter nights I take cold shower and sit on the cold floor until my body gets numb and my cold brain stops working and I see him sleeping in his cozy quilt without a shadow of remorse, and at that time I want to give up on life and don’t want to exist”
“My name is R married to K for 10 years ( a man who is 17 years older than me. (I don’t belong to an uneducated or poor family and I was a good looking girl (and maybe that became the reason of my ill fate).Every paternal and maternal aunty wanted my rishta for their sons and just to avoid the fuss my father picked K (a far family relative).
K left his studies after 12th grade and after that he started some business that didn’t last long and now he owns a few shops and some land here and there (the rent is our bread and butter).
I belong to a middle class family where usually fathers are strict and take decisions and everybody else has to just accept (mine was no different). When I was doing my bachelors my father had a mini heart attack (or whatever the medical term is). So I (as a 19 year old) ended up marrying this man (whom I never met or saw before) almost double my age. I was a brilliant student and wanted to study further but my father never listened and I gave in, something I resent my father for.
Like a normal(or shall I say ABNORMAL) typical family we never used the word “sex” and I was so naive and clueless and nobody bothered to tell me anything, even after they knew I was getting married. I was left on my own to figure it out.
On my wedding night, I found out several things about him, including a fake accessory he adorned every day to hide his real age. Feeling betrayed by my own parents, I suppose here is where my love for pain started, I wanted to punish myself, like every teenager does. I had no time to process the emotional betrayal I felt- I was thrown at the very deep end; I had to provide sex services for my husband, the only thing he cared and still cares about.
I never had any relationship before marriage, he was the first man in my life and despite all the issues, age gap and disagreements I wanted to love him. He was an okayish person in the beginning (which wasn’t enough) but a teenage girl who hated her parents, who was betrayed would wanted more of his attention since she didn’t have anyone to console her. But he’d come from work and all he wanted was to have sex. Never shared his all day story, nor listened to mine, ever. He wanted sex, no matter what and how.
It has taken me a long time to understand that what he did might constitute as marital rape. My interest or consent was and is of no importance to him. At first I couldn’t understand what was happening to me, sex just seemed a burden, I waited for it to get over. Once or twice I tried saying no, and he didn’t listen. He still went on. I am sure he could tell I was silently crying too. That did not bother him. Still does not.
A few times I said no and he did listen, it was followed by extreme anger, sarcasm and withdrawal over the next few days. I was punished emotionally. For refusing him sex. Over a period, I learnt it is best to just not say no.
Besides this, we have zero communication. We speak to each other only when we talk about the kids. If I try to give opinion on something he’d scold me with a hateful and reminds me that I know anything and he is the boss, he doesn’t hesitate to insult me in front of my children, or in the market place or in a gathering…. so I’m always prepared to digest his behavior to avoid fuss. Because again I’m nobody; I was raised that way.
He hasn’t had a job for so many years and when I discussed the possibility of me getting one, he told me no, because he does not trust me. He believes that I’ll leave him, cause he thinks I’m still beautiful and young (though I feel so old, like my soul has rusted) cause he is old and everywhere we go people think I’m his daughter and that makes him very angry. He doesn’t respect me, he doesn’t love me, treats me like crap and I’m not happy with him and I suppose he knows all that- but I have never considered cheating on him and the fact that he can’t trust the mother of his own children, gave my self esteem another blow. So yea, I couldn’t get the permission cbeause I’m a bloody slave, I can’t lose my children, I don’t have anyone to support me in this decision and if I still collect the courage to step out then economically I’m nothing. If I had the means, I would’ve left him a long time back.
I stopped talking to my parents and I never wanted them to see how miserable I am. Maybe if I did initially they could have helped. But then I was too young and angry. Now, I am not sure they can help me. Or if they would- they might value their family friendship with my inlaws over my wellbeing. They truly believe that the only time I should leave that house, is when I am in a coffin.
When people (majority our mothers and aunties) say that “yeh shohar ka haq h, wo jis waqt kahy k he wants sex tou orat ko nah ni karni chaye gunah hota hai (it is a husband’s right to have se with you when he wishes- refusing it is a sin), but I also wanna ask them who will talk about men, who will teach their sons to be nice to their wives, why do girls have to compromise on everything, why do mothers not teach values and kindness to their boys too???”
(P.s. I will be posting a response to this on my insta stories- Marya Here)
Lately I have started having panic attacks, I start screaming at midnight, can’t sleep more than 3 to 4 hours, sometimes I want to take my own life( but I can’t do this to my children). I don’t want any mental help cause I don’t want people to tell me the new ways to compromise (I already have had enough of this crap from everyone)
I can’t think of a solution to my problem and wonder if I will ever get out of this viciousness, probably never. But the thing I know is I’m going to raise my girl to be independent, courageous and full of life, I wouldn’t raise her to compromise on her happiness ever…I’d ensure that she is strong (economically and mentally) unlike her mother and I’ll make sure that I’m on her side whenever she needs me (it’s very important to have someone on your side who just loves you unconditionally) and I’ll raise my boys to respect and value women.
My dear R,
I will be doing a whole day of stories around this topic. And write back to you. Thank you for sharing your story. You are stronger than you think and helping so many others just by speaking up.
Image courtesy: News Laundry