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Recovery Series- Episode 2

Attack of the Clones

It was time. To decide.

But really; how do you decide? What if it can get better just staying here? Do I really have to throw it all away?

Could I just take a break? To mend myself. Steal a moment to breathe.

I left him there, on the island. I got back. I needed to find myself. I remember that one friend, I had, meet me in a parking lot… as I blabbered some half finished sentence. I heard him say “go home”.

Home? Where was home? Not what I left 5 years back. But turns out, as I know in retrospect that was home.

I woke up crying. I decided to leave. I needed a moment.

Two weeks later I found out, this home that I had left five years ago was going to be home, for a while now.

I wasn’t welcome back.

On a whatsapp group everyone left. Symbolic of how the rest of it was going to look like. Everyone I thought was family or friend left me. I got UN-INVITED to weddings. No NOT NOT INVITED. Un invited. There’s a difference and I hope you never find out what.

I had no place to stay- in a city that was mine for five years.

I messaged- I called- I called out. SILENCE. I remember thinking of all the people I had loved. I called out. SILENCE. 

This was the universe teaching me: but darling in the end we are all alone! But I learnt that lesson later. Back then it was pain and sheer pain.

I remember the day I had to pack my home. Plunder it. With the only interference from my ex mother in law, asking for her jewelry back. My kitten the only thing that clawed at me to stay.

I remember the day I withdrew my jewelry. Sitting at the bank. All alone. No one to tell me it’ll be ok. I remember sitting there like a thief- like I was robbing my own life. Or the idea of it.

I remember the day I was starving and no one to offer me a hot meal.  In a city I claimed to know everyone in. I got a sick mayonnaise rid shawarma from Rahat. Somewhere I hadn’t been in five years but…. I was and am a soldier’s daughter. I was on survival mode.

I remember wondering how I could shelter my parents from this pain… only to realize I couldn’t. Only to realize they were going to be my biggest strength.

I remember driving the car back alone.

I remember waiting for one call that said COME BACK.




  1. Omer

    February 18, 2019 at 6:14 pm

    This story truly touched my heart, made me truly emotional 😭 because my sister is going through this stage right now as I write she is all alone jn Canada while we can just only support her from Pakistan 🙁 ! Truly insipirational to see how you have picked your self up and Made a name for yourself!! Your story gives me hope to see my sister rise and ride out this tough time because she is also good in creative writing! I want to her to become like you!

  2. Ansah

    February 18, 2019 at 6:32 pm

    Girl this piece is a gem and I feel like it connects to me and I can so relate to all of this that at certain points I feel like you’re narrating my story. I keep on reading all of the articles from your recovery series over and again yet I cannot get over the fact that how beautifully you’ve written them. Recovery is a life long process and I am glad you’re doing really well on it, so am I, so are all of us who have been through hell. More power to you and loads of love.

  3. Maham

    February 19, 2019 at 1:43 am


  4. Maria

    February 19, 2019 at 3:28 am

    Read it thrice. Still couldn’t decide what to write really. Beautifully written.

  5. Z

    February 19, 2019 at 3:41 am

    Speechless. Something’s totally relateable. And sometimes that come back call is still not meant for you. It’s sometimes just to make that caller feel better for themselves.these are just mere words. The problem still lies there with no solutions. Beware of that “come back” call.

  6. scriptly.yours

    February 19, 2019 at 4:04 am

    I just had a catharsis… May you find peace and love and happiness 🙏

  7. Anum

    February 19, 2019 at 8:15 am

    I can soooo relate. Especially when you’ve to pack up everything, & how they make I feel like a thief who has intruded in their home. I hope Allah never guides such people Cox guidance is the biggest blessing.
    More power to u & all those who’ve been through it.

  8. Paras shah

    February 19, 2019 at 9:36 am

    I have goosebumps reading this. I feel myself experiencing your pain when I read it. You are brave Maria. You are a superhero and you are going great. May Allah bless you with happiness and peace. A big bear hug for you.

  9. Zainab Ishaq

    February 28, 2019 at 12:11 pm

    I believe empathy is a gift from the universe for the pain that we endure. Judging from your writings and the brief interactions we’ve shared so far, I have always felt that you’re an empath. And that could mean only one thing; that your beautiful heart has been hurt tremendously.
    Thank you for sharing your scars with us! And through your story, thank you for helping us find the strength to fight our demons.
    I wish you so much love and peace!

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